And I cringe.
Personally, I think it’s hard enough just being devoted to one. I can’t even imagine what I would do if I had multiple patrons…have a meltdown, probably. Maybe it’s just because my devotion to Lucifer is so overwhelming, but my work with Sarasvati has reached a standstill. I feel like I’ve disappointed her, in my unwillingness to divide my attention equally between the two.
Barring the financial and time constrictions that don’t allow me to honor her fully and properly, as in puja rituals, I can’t find it within myself to connect with her as deeply as I do Lucifer. And while that was more or less expected (neither she nor I showed any interest in developing a patron relationship with one another), I find my devotionals to her becoming less and less sincere, and almost reaching the point where they are chores.
I’m grateful that the deities I’ve worked with thus far (Lucifer and Sarasvati), have been so patient and gentle with me (well…to a point). If I had been called instead by a more, er…forceful deity, like Odin or the Morrigan, I honestly don’t know what I would have done. I probably would have been too cowed to do anything other than accept.
At least Lucifer gave me the option—one which I accepted far too quickly, looking back on it now. When I was barely getting into paganism, I was way too eager to form a patron relationship. I thought it would be so cool to work with a deity, and have them be integrated into my life. Knowing what I know now…well, I’m rather conflicted as to whether I would warn or urge my younger self concerning my patronage.
Six months was not a sufficient amount of time to base a decision like this off of. Yes, I trusted Lucifer by the time I accepted his offer, and I knew that our patronage would be a long-term relationship, but I didn’t realize the weight of such an oath. Not that I regret my decision, no. I just think I should have read all the fine print, so to speak.