Now that finals are over with…

You know those instances where you think you understand something, but later on realize that you didn’t really get it until now?

Yeah, that happens to me a lot when I’m dealing with Lucifer.

In this case, I’m referring to something he told me years back, at the very start of our patronage. It was the reason behind my ordeal of faith, and behind his dislike of the excess giving of thanks.

Our relationship is not meant to be built on the foundation of guilt or debts to be repaid.

At first it seemed plainly simple—okay, he doesn’t want me to feel like I owe him. It made sense at the time, back when I still thought he strove to be everything that Christianity was not (and believe me, that’s so not the case). Catholicism had taught me that I owed God praise and worship because he created me, and that I owed Christ my love due to his sacrifice on the cross.

It was the giving of thanks that confused me.  What was so wrong with expressing my gratitude, especially in a manner that was not debasing myself? At the time, I simply accepted this as an odd quirk of his and moved on.

The realization of the importance of this restriction was the result of watching a Christian movie. I get a lot of my inspiration from Christian-based movies/music, have you noticed? More evidence of Lucifer not exactly building a system of faith that opposes Christianity.

The movie was Fireproof, which basically tells the story of a couple on the verge of a divorce, and the ‘Love Dare’ that brought them back together again. But the Love Dare is only the result of an even greater driving force—as you may have guessed, the husband ‘finds god’. Long story short, he comes to the realization that in order to love his wife, he must first learn to love god. He must learn to love god because of his sacrifice, to be grateful even through the darkest of times.

“You must learn to love your wife” is the kicker here. How can you learn something that should be innate? And yet, I saw evidence of me trying to do this with my own relationships.

Sometimes, it gets to the point where “Thank you” isn’t enough.  I  have been guilty of entering relationships because I felt like I owed the person my love, as though I could force myself to love them—had to, even, because of how good and kind and wonderful they had been to me.

But I didn’t love them. And eventually it got to the point where I felt trapped in the relationship, unable to leave for fear of hurting this person, who didn’t deserve that hurt.

But in my patronage with Lucifer, if I don’t say thanks, it can’t get to the point where I feel like it isn’t enough anymore. He knows I’m thankful; it doesn’t need to be said or shown. I don’t have to keep trying to outdo myself in expressing my gratitude, and thus am in no danger of agreeing to something out of that feeling of obligation. Guilt and debt will not be the shackles that bind me to Lucifer; I do what I do of my own free will, without chains.