Even after more than 7 years of choosing to leave behind the religion I was born into (Catholicism), I find myself struggling not to revert back to some of the teachings—not because i’m losing faith in my beliefs, but rather because i’m growing stronger in them.
I bet that sounds kind of crazy, coming from someone whose patron god is Lucifer.
But I never really hated the catholic faith, or christianity for that matter. Although I didn’t appreciate being dragged to mass on sundays or being forced to take catechism classes for my first communion, I thought of it as more of a cultural thing rather than a religious duty (those of you that come from a typical hispanic family will know what i’m talking about).
So I went through all of it because my family thought it was necessary—not that I had much of a say in it anyways as a little kid. But looking back on my experiences now, I can appreciate a lot of what goes on in a typical mass.
I was taught that I should show proper reverence to god, to humble myself and kneel when praying. I don’t think I quite understood at the time why I had to kneel, other than it was I was told to do. There was no feeling connected to this act, it didn’t stem from a desire to please god, it was just a show of going through the motions.
Now, however, I understand the innate desire to kneel before one’s god. No longer is it an issue of what i’m told to do, but rather what I want to do. Although I understand that my patron and I are on equal footing, I admire him greatly and wish to pay him the highest respect and honor—and in my mind, that goes back to what I was taught as a child. Kneeling as an act of devotion, then, is what I feel compelled to do when in prayer (not only to him, but to any god who I have chosen to honor).
But in my patron’s eyes, kneeling is an act of subservience. No matter how much devotion and sincerity I put behind it, kneeling in prayer will only be a symbol of inferiority to him. He will not allow me to degrade myself as such, and so I no longer kneel in prayer.
But at least I can say that I understand and appreciate this act of devotion and faith now, and respect those who choose to do so