I’ve been meaning to write up this post for the past week or so, but just never got the chance. I figured that since my wordpress blog has been blowing up ever since the lovely Sannion posted a link to my devotionals, I should finally get my shit together and type this up.
Those of you who have been with me long enough might remember one of my earliest entries, in which I spoke about the complications in being both a luciferian and a pagan. I said that while I was partially out of the broom closet as a pagan, I could never imagine outing myself as a Luciferian, for obvious reasons. It was sort of like escaping one closet only to find myself in another. But like so many other things in my life, that fear has been dealt with.
I didn’t even want to blog anonymously at first. I created luxettenebris.tumblr.com about two years ago, posted one introductory post, and then abandoned it for over a year. I was too afraid of the backlash I thought I was going to get. I thought I lacked the experience and qualifications to help others understand this path, to understand Lu. Eventually, however, I was nudged back to my work. And since then I’ve been absolutely overwhelmed with the all the positive feedback I’ve gotten.
But announcing myself as a luciferian IRL never even crossed my mind. I had expressed my fear and anxiety over that issue to my patron, and believed that he was satisfied with this anonymous blog project of mine. I thought I could go on indefinitely, providing help and support to others without ever attaching my identity to my faith.
I don’t regret hiding my faith and my patron for so long. I didn’t like having to do so, but I think perhaps I needed that experience to come to terms with why I’m trying to clear up misconceptions and stereotypes about my faith and god. I’m spreading information so that perhaps someday, others like me won’t have to hide or be ashamed of their beliefs, or live in constant fear of being found out. It was also a time for me to become comfortable enough with my faith, so that I would be able to explain it to others when the time came.
And it seems that time is now. For the past month or so my patron has been giving me…warnings, so to speak, about losing the sense of security and comfort that being anonymous offered me. And a week or so ago, I was given the chance to ‘come out’ to a small group of people. I could have refused. I could have sat idly by as these people discussed that which was most important to me, the path and the deity that I was devoted to, and not said a single word.
But as uncomfortable as I was with putting myself out there like that, I knew I would be even more regretful and uneasy if I stayed in the proverbial broom closet. I’ve reached the point where I know my patron and my path well enough to be a source of information to others, and these people were all open-minded pagans—I had no excuse other than fear.
And as I’ve said before, Lu is the confronter of fears. I wouldn’t be able to face him for quite a while had I rejected this opportunity and slunk back into the closet.
So while I don’t plan on shouting my faith from the rooftops any time soon, it’s definitely a big step forward in my work.
And I understand that coming out of the broom closet isn’t a valid or even safe option for everyone. It’s not even really necessary for some—if I wasn’t devoted to a god with as bad a reputation as Lu, or was more involved in the witchcraft area of paganism rather than the spiritual side, then I don’t think it would be as meaningful/needful for me to reveal myself. Faith is an incredibly personal thing, after all.
But this is part of my work with Lu. It started off as offering information for those curious and willing to listen. That evolved into dispelling the stereotypes and misconceptions about my patron and my path. And lately it’s been providing help and support for those in similar situations.
But how am I supposed to be a source of support for others when up till now I’ve been hiding my faith too? I’ve been dodging the question of my faith for what seems like forever, and I’m tired of being afraid of others’ judgments. I can’t continue on the path my work has taken while hiding behind an anonymous blog; I can’t turn someone away who has honest questions just because they’re asking me in person rather than on my tumblr or wordpress account.
But I’m curious to hear about your experiences with the broom closet issue, followers!