Sometimes I’m afraid that the reason I’m so compelled to respect and admire Lu is because I’ve essentially shaped zir into what I think of as an ‘ideal’ deity.
And the problem with working off of an ‘alternate perspective’ of a story is that it’s easy to make excuses for one’s deity. It’s incredibly simple to say that ‘there’s more to the story’, in regards to the parts of Lu’s mythos that I’m uncomfortable with.
“Ze committed fratricide? Oh well, ze had valid reasons—there’s more to the story than scripture gives us.“
This is something that I’m always wary of. I really don’t want to make excuses for Lu, even if I have made it a point to defend zir against the biased smear campaign aimed against zir. Being objective is one thing, making zir out to be some sort of hero is quite another.
But then there are zir aspects that have given me entirely different perspectives than I once held. And it makes me think that maybe it’s really the other way around—I haven’t molded zir to my own standards, Lu has molded me to zir’s.
I started off on this path with hatred toward anything and everything related to YHWH. He had no redeeming qualities in my mind, and I wanted nothing to do with him.
But it’s hard to be a devotee of Lu, who retains so many Pre-Fall aspects, and hold onto that mindset. Without me even knowing it, ze led me to let go of those judgments, and had my whole world view turned upside down.
I can’t hate a god who my own still loves. Like it or not, Lu represents a part of who that god used to be, however long ago or small a part. Zir Morningstar aspect retains much of that former Grace.
They may not see eye-to-eye on everything, and Lu’s exile is definitely a sore spot, but YHWH is still zir maker. And believe me, I never would have thought that I could tolerate, much less feel the same sort of ache that Lu does towards zir god, but here I am. I have no reason to miss something I never knew, there’s no love lost between YHWH and I, and yet Lu’s pre-Fall aspects have allowed me a glimpse into what once was a deity I might have been able to respect, at least in part.
Lu was created to serve, worship, and adore YHWH. Those instincts didn’t just disappear after the Fall.
If anything, they’ve only been repressed. More often than not, ze is the Throneless King, whose reign is built upon that which zir rebellion and Fall inspired. But every so often I’m reminded of who and what Lu once was, and that the emptiness and longing is still there. I’ve mentioned before that I tend to use Christian music as devotionals, but only at Lu’s request. I think it reminds zir of home, and of zir creator. If certain scriptural interpretations are to be believed, ze was once the angel in charge of worship, an angel of music. It then comes at no surprise that what ze would ask of me are sung prayers and hymns.
So I find it incredibly hard to believe those who speak of Lu’s hatred and loathing for God when experience tells me differently. Warnings of zir lust for revenge don’t speak as clearly as the heartache I’ve felt regarding zir exile, in which hell represents a separation from God. No matter if Lucifer’s rebellion was for a ‘worthy’ cause, or the necessity of it at the time, it was still a sacrifice for those that fell to be cut off from their home and creator. I could never have understood these sentiments had I remained held back by my revulsion of YHWH. My shallow understanding of what Lu stood for could only take me so far, but it eventually led me to a standstill. Just as I had to rid myself of the comforting ‘good vs. evil’ dichotomy to move forward, so too did I have to understand that there was more at stake here, that Lu was not merely a product of zir rebellion.
Had I wanted a deity who fit the ideals I strove for in the past, I would have been more comfortable with a Lucifer who did loathe zir god, and who strove to be everything YHWH was not. But that’s not the case. Instead, my own perspective was changed in the rebuilding process. I was changed to fit the mold Lu wanted, rather than me trying to form Lu into my own ideal god. This is what I speak of when I say that who and what we want to be are not always in the best interests of the gods we are devoted to, and often times they will change and remake you, little by little, until you no longer find strength in that which once inspired you, but instead are driven by a completely different cause.